mock onion headlines that am sending to the onion, for hopeful employment

Local Mother Applauded for only Purchasing Single Stuffed Oreo’s

Despite protest from local mother Jessica Roebachs sons fatter friends that the switch from double back to the original single stuffed was “lame”; she pursued what she knew to be right.

US Protestors Death to Iraq March Met with Great Success

“I came up here from Mobile, Al, to counter all them there Iraqis Death to America. I feel like we are kicking there ass in the effectiveness in this there protests as well.”

Exclaimed one of the Protestors Billy Joe Tolebert.

Local Nine Year Old Feels he Has Finally Outgrown Mind of Mencia

“I like laughing at Retards as much as the next guy, but after the thousandth time he goes Dee Dee Dee, it just looses some of that outrageous edge.” adding ““I mean I am nine years old now, a couple years ago I felt like this was a little bellow me.”

Congressional Vegan Probe discovers Alec Baldwin requested prescription Meat

“ You got that size with out the aid of any dairy products” propped VA representative

Tom Davis.

American Tourist outraged by BBC Internationals relegation of the important DC Madam story to the end of the broadcast. (any fox news sensationalist story)

Local Liberal makes up Directions as to not look Xenophobic

“I could just tell he had a beautiful Jamaican or some sort of exotic African accident, and I didn’t want to seem like I didn’t have compassionate for his plight of not being able to no where O’Kelly’s Irish Pub was. Therefore, I thought the progressive thing to do was to just make up the directions.”

I am surprisingly self Aware

By Michael Jackson

“I know what everyone is saying about me, but I have really thick skin…which I guess I somewhat ironic with all the perceived cosmetic surgery I have had done to it.”

Sources claim that John McCain is a secret Jainist

Polls have shown that voters are outraged. Nebraska resident Tom Harkin said “I knew he was one of them all along. He is not born on US soil, he has that weird frizzy hair, and his skin…its all wrinkly.”

Tom Cruise reveals Scientolgies big secret: “It has always been just one big satirical joke on organized religion that got way out of hand.”

“You know how Any Kauffman would always take a joke way to far, well that’s sort of why Scientoligy has existed as a real religion for this long. Our intent was to just satirically point out some of the absurdities of traditional religion.”